so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
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Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
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