We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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