Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
