Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
