I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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