Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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