How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
