Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
