I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I will die if light touches me.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
