I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
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I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
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Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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