He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
