Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
