And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
