I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
