I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
you didnt know i had herpes?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
