Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
