Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
