Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
