Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
