i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
