i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
