i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
