umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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