On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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