I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
