Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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