Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
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at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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