My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
