i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
