Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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