i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
