I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
This baby is an asshole
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
