i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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