Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
im about as happy as oj after his trial
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
