I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
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In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
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I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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