I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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