either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I met the friendliest cop last night
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Man, jail baloney is awful.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
