so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
