the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
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