Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.