I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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