Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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