I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
