My hair reeks of homosexuality.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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