I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
