I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
