i already hear my dad disowning me
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
