guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
