I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
