You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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