Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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