Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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